death of a disease

It's been about six weeks or so since I have posted here.  I think I have abandoned it since I gave my LCSW a copy of my journal.  I feel like I have betrayed myself.  But she has never mentioned it.  I think, I only have 2 weeks of group left.  Yeah! It will save me some much needed xmas money.  My husband has been sick, he has pneumonia.  He is getting better though.  I have started working my job now.  I am really liking it.  I am also taking on some responsiblity in other departments as well. I am sure that will come to bite me in the butt later. But all well.  My kids have been doing great.  Connor got glowing remarks on his report card. I am so proud of how smart he is.  He is also doing well socially.  I was very afraid he was going to be very introverted.  Which, he is, but not as bad as I though he would be.  I couldn't ask for better progress.I am very tired lately.  I have a doctors apt on Dec 4th to get checked out.  I have been getting dizzy quite a bit.  I can never seem to get warm either.  I think it is low blood pressure. But we will have to wait and see. I am sure it is nothing major. But I think I scared Jon something fierce, because I passed out about a week ago.  Now anytime he hears a loud noise, he assumes it's me collapsing. I guess I should be happy he cares.  That is about all that is happening here.

Where to begin? It's been a while since I have been here. Since I have visted here last I have come to the conclusion that I will never get to do my actual job at work. I will be in Admissions forever (though they promise me I won't be). I have given my LCSW a copy of this journal (my posts only) in an attempt at recovery, I hope I don't live to regret that move. Who knows what she will excise from here. My kids are doing great. My husband has recently been helping around the house quite a bit more. I think he is finally begining to see that I am drowning with all of the things I am trying to get done in a day. I am just moving past a rough patch in my eating. I have been doing so well, but  for some reason the past week and a half was....challenging....on the meals. I don't really know why. I can only link it to being off my meds for a few weeks. I was forgetful and just didn't get the refill. But to my knowledge, it is just supposed to help me to keep from bingeing, not starvation. But, I don't know, it may be because I was in a foul mood for the better part of a week. Just being pissed at the world may have done it. But also at my last session, I had to discuss some of my past. That was definately not easy. I imagine from here on out, that will be a recurring topic of conversation. I don't really want to go through my past, but I guess if it will help, I really need to. But for as far as I have come with my food, I haven't moved anywhere with my self image. I am still the big fat girl I was when I walked into her office. Not that it's her fault, but that is just what I am. You can't alter the truth. What is there is there. But other than that, I have no news. Just regular everyday life happening here! Oh, my in-law's are comming down in two weeks. They haven't seen me since I have lost weight. I am just holding my breath until they ask how I did it. I hate lying all of the time when people ask me. But they don't need to know my business either. Hopefully they just don't acknowledge it.

 Sorry for the long stint. I have been super busy lately. My oldest boy started school and life hasn't slowed down at all. Work still sucks, I am just now getting to do some of the things I was hired for. I think I have gained weight. I can feel it. I haven't stepped on a scale though. I know if I do that, I would'nt be able to control myself any longer. It would be worse than before. I have been working so hard on eating "normal" foods again. And now I feel as if it is bitten me in the butt. I just know I have gained weight. My husband just tells me I am bloated, but I know. I just know. I have been restricting a bit lately. Not much, just at dinner. I just don't want all of those calories before I go to bed. But with the restriction, I am getting my migranes more frequently. It really is a double edge sword. I can't win no matter what I do. I wish I had enough money to go see the plastic surgeon. It would make life much less complicated. A bit of slice and dice!! That is just what the doctor ordered!

I started work on August 6th, and you know they haven't even started to train me for my position. It is so frustrating!! They have me doing a bunch of Admissions, that is not even my department.  I don't mind helping out where it is needed, but I would like to at least do my job. As long as I am doing admissions, my stuff will just keep piling up! I just know that when I get to my financial counseling, I will have so much I will never get caught up. It is just ridiculus. Any how...I just needed to vent! I know I sound so silly, but I just can't help it.

9-7-07
Work still sucks....My boss is back and I still haven't gotten to do any of my job. I don't think I ever will at this point. This job just isn't challenging enough!

I am so happy tonight. I went to my therapy session today and my doc told me that I have lost weight!! Can you belive it? I have been on a plateau for so long, it finally broke!! Although in the middle of my excitement, I have to wonder if she told me the truth. See, she dosen't let me see the number on the scale. That is a part of my treatment. I used to weigh a few times a day, but since I quit my job in my old town and moved I haven't gotten on a scale. To be exact, I haven't tipped the scale since june 13. I feel I need to hold off on my total exhilaration, until I get to verify the info myself.  But that could throw me into another cycle. I just have to ponder what is the lesser evil. I can see her lying to me just to take the stress off of me. Because she knows I am petrified of gaining weight. Well, at the begining of this message, I was excited, but I have managed to talk myself out of it. I have to find a scale to get on tomorrow. It shouldn't be that hard since I work at the hospital.

I was so excited today to see that I was the smallest girl in my department!! Though, not by much. It just made my day. It is never my goal to make other people feel bad about themselves, but I do give myself permission to feel good about being me somedays. I know that sounds awful, but I was so worried that I was going to be the blimp of the office. I just couldn't belive my luck!! My stress level has gone down a bit now. I feel as if I can breathe. My lunch hour is cut down to 30 mins. which is good. That means less time to sit and stuff my face. I think I am going to have to go back to food journaling on paper once I get my own office. I think it will keep me in check when I feel like snacking. I really like to see a page with next to nothing on it. It makes me feel strong, confident, exhilarated. I know, that sounds so whacked! I just can't help it.

I start my new job on Monday.  I am worried that it will reinforce my ED.  I always feel like I am in competition with fellow coworkers to be the smallest one.  Ironicly, I am always the largest. I just wish society didn't put so much emphasis on looks. I wish we were all considered equivalent in the looks department. It sure would make life less stressful. I am just so frustrated. Doc said that if I ate 'normally' I would lose weight, well bull crap. I am so tempted to fast again, but, thus far I have been good. I have eaten everyday.  Though today I only ate dinner. I wish I had enough money to go to a plastic surgeon and just get what I don't want removed. That would be awesome! I swear, other than raising my children to be independent, successful adults, that is my goal in life. To get plastic surgery. Not just a bit, but a full overhaul. I hope everybody I work with is obese! That is horrible of me, I know. I really shouldn't say that. I don't want others to feel bad about themselves, I just want to feel great about being me. I don't know what that feels like. I bet it's relaxing.

I am counting down until I get to go back to work! I am a freak, because I am so excited about it. I really do miss it. My mom decided to come down tomorrow instead of today, which is fine by me! I am going to kill my hubby if he doesn't get off his butt and help around here. Every since we have been under the same roof again, he has done nothing but play WOW on the comp. It is really on my nerves. I am on here a fair amount but only when I am by myself. I don't do it when everybody is home because that is rude. He really irritates me when it comes to this. I guess I will live but, it had better stop soon.

I have been so busy the past few weeks.  I moved into my new house, enrolled my kids back into daycare/kindergarten, and I start my new job on Monday.  Life has been going okay. I have been eating pretty regularly. I have decided to email my LCSW my daily meal plans, and that is actually working out to my advantage.  I feel like I have an immediate sense of accountability then. I feel like I am reporting to the principal and I don't want to get into trouble.  Jon hates his new store, I told him now that we have a new house there is no job searching going to be happening. I didn't do this move just so he could up and quit. He really wouldn't do that, he is just frustrated. I haven't weighed myself since June 13, which for me is amazing! I think I have lost some weight though, because everybody that I see asks if I have lost anymore. Most people don't know I have a problem. I decied since I am starting all over in a new town to go all out.  I have cut my hair off to my jaw line and put hi-lites in it. That is also a big step for me since I am very frustrated that I am losing my hair. But truthfuly, since I have cut it, I don't think as much has fallen out. I am going to make the most of my last non-working days, my mom is comming up Friday, we are going to go furniture shopping.  It will be an adventure, that is for sure. I love my mom but sometimes she just gets on my nerves. We have very different opinions on many things, such as how my house should be decorated. I am a very colorful person, the house I just sold had orange walls, it was beautiful! I decorated it in Sahara themes. My mom would have bunny rabbits stuffed in every one of my corners if I would let her! It won't be that bad, I am just preparing for the worst so I can be plesantly suprised. Well that is about everything I know here!

I am done with the book!  It was wonderful! I got done much faster that I thought I would! But if you look at my posting time, it is clear how obsessed I was with getting to read tonight! It was worth it, eventhough I will only be getting three hours sleep tonight.

I am on page 313 as of midnight last night....where is everyone else?

I way over did the food today.  I thought I was doing so much better so I thought I would try some Taco Bell.  Well that was a big mistake. I had a soft taco and a burrito. Obviously that was overkill.  I feel so gross right now, I can't believe I ate so much. I hate myself for it.  I just wish I had normal eating habits.  I feel like I am going to burst at every seam, I am such a fat pig, I need some self control again.  I just can't balance sick life and well life.  It seems it is going to have to be all or nothing. I know technicaly that was not a binge, but it left me feeling as if I ate the whole place out of business.  I am just glad I took it home and nobody saw me eat it.  I wish  could have the mind of a well person and the self discipline of the sick part of me.  I think they could counter balance each other pretty well.  Then the next bit of good news....I have two best friends one female one male.  Well my male best friend Shane called me today, he is moving to Texas for a job. I know it is better for him but he is not ready to go out into the world just yet. He may be in his mid twenties but he is still so green. He has no idea what waits for him away from here.  I am going to miss him somthing terrible.  I just can't belive that he is really going.  I won't know what to do when I want to pop in and see him and he isn't there anymore.  I sound like he is dying, I know, but that is how it feels.  I feel like I am never going to see him again.  He comes to all of our Holiday dinners, my kids birthday parties, he is always there when I need to talk, I am really going to miss him.  Right now he lives two hours away that is far enough, now he is going to be about 8 hrs away.  He lives in the same town as my  mom and dad, so I get to see him whenever I want since I am down that way about once a month.  I don't see him everytime I go, but I do get to see him pretty often considering the distance.  We talk about once a week. Often more when he is having a crisis. I just know he is going to hook up with some floozie when he gets there.  He is a good boy, he needs a nice girl, somebody I approve of. Ha Ha Ha.  I truly wish him all of the luck in the world, but I don't want him to go.

I am finally home! I have been gone for way too long.  Yesterday I officially bought my new house.  It is wonderful! It is big and beautiful.  I also have a new job, I went to do my drug test yesterday as well. That will be fine though, I don't use drugs.  I am still currently looking for a day care for my children though, that is my last major stress.  My old house is going to close on july 30 it was only on the market for a few days, I can't believe my luck there!  While I was in NY I did pretty good on my meal plans, I ate everyday.  I only severely restricted two days, but only my brother in law noticed that I wasn't eating.  But he is kinda stupid so I played it off as I was saving myself for dinner with dessert. I think I am going to buy myself a treadmill when we get settled. I haven't been working out like I should be. I can't go to the gym though because it is a huge trigger for me.  I have a pilate's video I was doing , but I have gotten out of that habit since I have been off work.  It was my routine to get up before getting ready for work and do my exercise, but I just haven't done that lately. All well, when life is more settled, I will get back to routine. Right now I am just happy to be home! Well that is about all of my updates, I think....

I have been doing very well on my meal plans lately, but today I really flopped. I missed breakfast and dinner. I had a salad and a granola bar today.  I email my doc with my daily food, and I know she won't be happy when she reads it.  I am trying to do better but it is so hard with all of the moving and getting my kiddo's into school, and looking for a job.  Things are starting to slow down a bit i I am going to NY for a week to see my hubbys family, that will be so nerve racking, they don't know about my issues so eating in front of them will be STRESSFULL. I will survive though.

I am so excited, I just got the news that I am the proud owner of a new house.  I can't wait until I can get in it.  The house I am in now is only 1277 sq ft. it is so small.  It was virtually new when we bought it, so it is a very nice house, just small.  The one we signed a contract on is 2450 sq ft. that is almost double what I have now!!  I just can't believe how much space I am going to have. The new house is also almost new. I think it was built in 2004. That is about the same as age as the house I am in now. This aleviates some of the stress that comes with relocating, at least I know I will have a place to live. Anyways, it is late. I have to try and get some sleep!!

I just got back from Hot Springs.  I left Tuesday night after group to look for a house there.  At first, I thought we were doomed, but luckily, I have found the perfect home for us.  Now, as long as the sellers accept our offer, it's ours!  I can't wait.  It is sooo pretty, and big.  But there is not much of a yard.  It is big enough for a swing set and some running room for my boys but, that is it.  The house payment is going to be about twice what it is now, but those are the sacrifices we make I guess.  I just hope I find a job quickly.  I also hope I can find a daycare that I like as well as what I have now. I am sure everything will work itself out though.  I just cant wait!!  I am finally excited about moving. Wish me luck!

I went to my parents house for fathers day.  My mom was getting ready for her trip to Las Vegas.  She, on her good days, is not the most pleasant person to know.  But she was totaly grumpy this weekend. You would think that getting to go away for a week would be great, but no, for her it is a tragedy.  In turn my dad was upset this weekend as well. Not that I can blame him though.  I am just really glad that I am an adult with my own family and don't have to live there anymore. I haven't had to for many years now.  I usually get really stressed when I go down there anyways, so it was exceptionaly bad this time.  I really miss my husband, he usually helps me out durring those weekends, but he is out of town right now.  I wish he was home. The boys and I are going to see him this weekend.  I'm not going to tell the boys where we are going, I want i to be a suprise for them. It will be a busy week for me, I only have two days where I won't have at least a two hour drive for something.  All well....

I went to my session yesterday and my LCSW tells me I have a severe case of BDD.  I think she is full of it.  I know what I see when I look in the mirror.  I think she is just worried though.  I haven't been eating well lately.  All of the stress from moving is really getting to me.  I haven't even moved yet.  Today was my last day of work, my coworker cried (litteraly) all day.  It made me a nervous wreck.  She wanted to do something nice for me. Can you just guess what she did? Bought me lunch, and lots of it.  The food tasted really good, but I ate way too much.  Another girl made me a chocolate and fudge cake.  When I got to work, it was sitting smack dab on my desk, I couldn't even set my purse down.  I ate about two bites of it. It was really good too.  I really have the urges to fast right now.  But I really want to recover too.  I feel like I am in such a bind.  There is nobody to talk to.  I just wish somebody knew what my mind was like. There aren't many people who know about my issues, so my options are limited.  My husband stresses out whenever I talk about it. He usually acts like he dosen't hear me. I don't know if this is supposed to benefit me or him.  I just feel so alone.

Well, plans have changed so much over the past two weeks.  The boys and I are going to stay in our current home and my hubby will go to the new town and try to find a house before I get the kids all out of sorts.  I am not doing so well under all of this stress. I have found myself restricting again.  But not as heavily as I could be. My last day of work is Wednesday, I can't wait.  I will be off for about a month. That will be nice. I plan on getting alot of knitting done.  My family and I tiled my house, it looks wonderful.  My hubby did a real good job at picking the color. Let me tell you first hand if you ever decide to lay your own tile, don't do it.  My two new favorite words are contract labor! I can't express this enough! Well that is all the news for now!

Well I knew it was too good to be true.  I am having to move again. Ugh! We have moved way too many times. But this time I have 2 kids with us.  Luckily my husbands company is paying for somebody to come and pack us up and store our items until we find a new house.  I had my second group therapy session last night.  It is going ok I guess.  I don't have much in commom with the other girls.  I had been eating real well a few weeks ago but now I have backslid.  I am trying to get back to a "normal" eating pattern again, it's just hard.  All of the stress of moving is really getting to me.  My husband takes for granted that I did well last month.  He thinks I should be able to handle anthing at this point.  Well I can't I am still pretty fragile. I hate that word 'fragile'.  It is misleading, I am not easily broken, but maybe delicate is a better word to use.?  Anyways. Sress is the name of the game for the past two weeks.  I haven't had much time to knit like I normally would when I am super stressed out.  I am going to try and get some done tonight. Maybe that will help me relax.  My Dr. wants me to take a low dose of prozac. I think half the world is on that stuff.  I don't know if I will take it or not. We will see.  In the meantime, I will be house hunting and job hunting.  Wish me luck!